I Dreamt of Death

I woke up with death on my mind.  I spent the better part of the twilight hours in an out of restless dreams, not knowing what was real and what wasn’t.  Was the friend I dreamt about really gone?  The internal anguish was palpable.  I was unable to find any escape.  It wasn’t until she texted me at 6am that I knew it had all been a fabric of my imagination.  Peace came.

I learned something from that dream.  I learned that this anguish over loss is an emotional memory resting deep within us.  Quieted by our hopes and tenacity for living in the moment, we put away thoughts of what may come.  Death comes to all of us.  It is our universal heritage.  

I know I need to prepare myself from something I can’t see.  The pain won’t come in the form of an external storm that can be tracked by radar.  Rather it is in the unearthing that will come from within, like the earthquake whose shocks are only known when they occur, but not before.  I will be unearthed.  I will be shaken.

I’ve tried to find strategies to help me bridge the present to the future, to have something to hold on to.  So I went ahead and bought Logan’s urn.  It arrived a couple weeks ago.  I put it in the loft, as that used to be one of his favorite places to lie in the sun.  The idea is that through familiarity in seeing the urn, I can transfer the love and memories I have of Logan, while he is still here, onto that urn. 

The task of choosing the right urn is a process unto itself.  I’ll have many dogs and I don’t want a shrine of urns in the house.  I want the urns to complete the home just like the dogs complete me.  So for Logan, I chose a handmade earthenware ceramic urn of a sunflower with a sweet Monarch Butterfly resting gently.  I have this vivid memory of Logan looking back at me in a field of yellow flowers.  Since then, I said he reminded me of sunflowers.

The Monarch Butterfly is also an important sentimental feature.  Butterflies are dear to my heart and Braddock is my little butterfly.  So the vision is that Braddock would join Logan in the urn when it is his time to cross the Rainbow Bridge.  After all, the two boys are inseparable.  It’s a sobering thought, that it won’t just be me who feels the unearthing shockwave the day Logan is gone.